If only the ground could open

Last night, a friend said to me, “you don’t understand how these people feel. You have not committed suicide before..”
And I replied.. “Nwoke m sharap there! I have committed suicide before. I know how it feels. I have even died before. So anyone that wants to taste death should go on.. Me I have.. ”
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Now lemme throw you back to a story.. The day I died..
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Back then, Princess my girlfriend was in her final year. She was living with her Elder sister and her Elder brother -a banker.. For reasons beyond any dictionary interpretation.. The duo didn’t like my relationship with their sister. All they do is take home whatever I buy for her.. They will eat and pick their teeth without saying, “OK.. Say thanks to this nice guy for us!”.. Ndi ùchú..
So I rarely visited their House.. After all, I get my own apartment.. Ya gùshiém ike.. We go to my crib and eat it..
Princess was always on away match. No home games for her..
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One Time laidat,we hadn’t seen for two weeks. Project things fell on her.. Conji started conjealing inside me and forming hand and leg.. Nwa bia nu.. She won’t come..

It was a Thurday laidis.. Naa only Princess open her mouth that she use in eating yam and soup to tell me that her sister haf travelled and based on logistics the brother doesn’t Come home till night..
At about 2pm.. I bamboozled my way to her house.. Plan was to pick her up to mine..
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Before you know it.. She started that kind rough play that I don’t understand. Me that know that my fertility rate is the SI Unit of men.. I began warning her.. “see ooO!! I didn’t arrange for this”..
“I don’t have my rain coat nor shin Guards for this match!!!”.. Woooosai..
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The more I tried to resist.. The more òná Akpa m aka at my brain box.. My injector started pumping fuel.. Waaaaaw.. Waaaaaw.. That thing that have no sense in me began to talk, “oga if you no wan do.. I go do!!”
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She pushed me with one finger.. I fell on the bed.. Till today I wonder how women do it. Push a man with a finger.. He will just yakataaaaa for bed..
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Button after button.. We struggled.. But she always won..
One mind started bringing fear into the business of the day.. “What if she gets pregnant?? Am I ready now??.. What if she has an STD?? You can never trust these gals.. Azzin HIV Positive nko?? I will just turn from counsellor to counselled.. Nwoke saa Anya gi Mmiri!”..
The other mind said..”guy knack am.. Man die once! If she carry belle.. Una go click on available options, you mustù see “control delete!”.. If she gives you gonorrh nko??.. You take drugs naa.. Root full every basin wey Yoruba girl carry for head.. But if naa positive.. Nwanne, las las you goan HANG naa!!”
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By this time.. Princess was at the last button. Me that is an undefeated heavy weight champion cannot even stop a geh.. My belt was unlocked.. The hooks of the trouser repelled themselves.. Zip started going south!
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I managed to murmur.. “did you lock the doors??”.. She lifted off me.. Instead of going to the door.. She said “yes I did” and gravity drew all her cloths to the ground..
I held my trouser.. Pushed it down myself.. Taa wu taa.. Man die once!!
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It was at about my knee when I saw a shadow like a flash pass the window.. Then another.. Before I could tell if Amadioha was creating mirages for me or just Ekwensu wants to spoil my small enjoyment with hallucination.. The door handle turned clockwise..
Fada Lawd.. Anyi gba òtó like Adam and Eve..
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Unconsciously, my instincts screamed out, “wait ooO!!.. Wait..” as if I am in my house.. But nope.. The persons ain’t knocking nor waiting.. He is coming right in..
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Princess’s cloths were out of reach.. She flew into the room.. Locked the door..
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I attempted the run too.. The trousers were like handcuffs to my leg.. I don’t know why bad thing always happen to Good people.
In split seconds, I quickly dragged my Wears.. as fast as I could.
I reached for the zip.. My eyes on the door. Dazed by two pairs of amazed eye balls that can’t believe what they are seeing.. One was looking at me ka òhú tu’bèyi mkponana (as if he hasn’t seen preeq before)..
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My Odogwu is not used to life at war fronts. It didn’t enter the trench that fast.. The zip came with the speed of Light.. And caught a chunk of its helmet First.. Then clipped on about 3 centimeters of “preeq skin!”.. Jizossssss!!
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Azzin the big zip of my jean bamboozled though the cap of my thing and hooked the òyórimaaa!
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Heigawd.. I decided to faint fess.. It wasn’t enough.. So I just died small..
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Brothers, At this point.. My brain lost coordination.. Zip down.. Nope..
Oya zip up naa.. Nope..
Next, tears filled my eyes.. The two guys that just entered transfigured.. I saw my grand father.. His own father and his own grand and Great grand father..
My Ancestors were gyrating in circles, singing “wepu aka n’ara.. Ara ga agba kwa nu gi ara”..
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Do you know that this her stupid elder brother did not even comman help me.. World people, When a brother catches you on top his sister.. thunder fires with rugged jealousy and fury..
I was so confused. I didn’t even know who to beg fess.. Whether naa Princess brother or to tell his friend to beg him or shulai start begging the zip to leave my ngwó-ngwó..
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Blood of Joshua.. I started sweating like someone that haf just taken a bottle of SNIPER..
Small small.. I managed to release the zip, dodged one or two punches from this guy who has been indirectly eating the sister’s bride price from me through take home shawama and kpof-kpof..
Took off without my shirt into the street..
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Since that day.. I have known that life is too sweet to commit suicide because of PDP vs APC chauvinism..
Be Patient, we all will die..
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Written by ~Anopue Vinmartins Chidi

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